I haven't written here in a while or lets be real, copy pasted others content mostly.
I have had doubts in Krishna, in God, like everyone else who follows any religion or spiritual path has had felt but many people keep it inside for the fear of rejection. I won't. I wanted to leave but I could not, because despite my want, I prayed to be allowed to stay. I prayed to be able to face my doubts and my prayers were answered, I was convinced but it still doesn't fix my determination. It doesn't fix my action. It confuses my mind and heart, for despite being convinced that this is the best path I am unable to follow through the required process. I felt like a loser. I am glad some people are able to advance and I admire them despite their lack of attitude (something I was always resentful and regret is devotees bad attitude towards each other and/or outsiders which gives something for outsiders to talk about SP's movement) as they are able to do what I am unable to.
I had a thought to leave all and stop pretending. Yet I am so used to it, I am know for being a Hare Krishna devotee. The one of only a handful Indonesian Indians that are deep into it. I feel like the movement's brand ambassador for the Indonesian Indian community and that my action (which is very hard to control especially my anger) reflects the movements teaching (which will only bring them bad name) and I tried to behave. Also, despite my laziness to chant, I feel weird if I don't and my solution to that is chant inattentively as long as I do it (which shows how little my determination is). I have questioned all the cases that has affected our movement (which I find out later that these cases happens in all religious institutions in spite of all their good teachings, its Kali Yuga after all, but their religion are going on strong despite those cases proven true) , if it so great and if Krishna is so great why does all that happen to us , to those innocent people? To test us, really? I read stories of those people leaving our movement to join other outside Guru, or even leaving KC altogether. some of those people simply disagree, and some feel its impossible to succeed, some are tired of waiting for the nectar we are promised to feel. It makes me want to leave as well. But I still pray for Krishna to show me His way for his answers.
Then I began reading on the stories of the succesful devotees such as Yamuna Devi Dasi and Aindra Prabhu, who got the mercy of Krishna and can be seen that they have attained a stage well above us. I have read the diary of Satsvarupa Dasa (the writer of Srila Prabhupada Lilamrita) who despites all adversity and doubts in his mind about Krishna and also about his ability to serve, stayed on in ISKCON solely to honour Srila Prabhupada's last wishes. It calms me down that if we just stay and have faith we will reach there if not now next life, but if we leave despite the chance we are given, we lose.
These handful of inspiring people stories, tells me that even if I am unable to follow everything, I should stay on and serve to the extent of my willingness to do so, and one day Krishna will show me the way. Patience is key. If I can't walk at least I can crawl but I should keep moving and put in an effort to trust in Krishna, who have entrusted me as a part of His mission to spread the holy name.
Hare Krishna ;)
I have had doubts in Krishna, in God, like everyone else who follows any religion or spiritual path has had felt but many people keep it inside for the fear of rejection. I won't. I wanted to leave but I could not, because despite my want, I prayed to be allowed to stay. I prayed to be able to face my doubts and my prayers were answered, I was convinced but it still doesn't fix my determination. It doesn't fix my action. It confuses my mind and heart, for despite being convinced that this is the best path I am unable to follow through the required process. I felt like a loser. I am glad some people are able to advance and I admire them despite their lack of attitude (something I was always resentful and regret is devotees bad attitude towards each other and/or outsiders which gives something for outsiders to talk about SP's movement) as they are able to do what I am unable to.
I had a thought to leave all and stop pretending. Yet I am so used to it, I am know for being a Hare Krishna devotee. The one of only a handful Indonesian Indians that are deep into it. I feel like the movement's brand ambassador for the Indonesian Indian community and that my action (which is very hard to control especially my anger) reflects the movements teaching (which will only bring them bad name) and I tried to behave. Also, despite my laziness to chant, I feel weird if I don't and my solution to that is chant inattentively as long as I do it (which shows how little my determination is). I have questioned all the cases that has affected our movement (which I find out later that these cases happens in all religious institutions in spite of all their good teachings, its Kali Yuga after all, but their religion are going on strong despite those cases proven true) , if it so great and if Krishna is so great why does all that happen to us , to those innocent people? To test us, really? I read stories of those people leaving our movement to join other outside Guru, or even leaving KC altogether. some of those people simply disagree, and some feel its impossible to succeed, some are tired of waiting for the nectar we are promised to feel. It makes me want to leave as well. But I still pray for Krishna to show me His way for his answers.
Then I began reading on the stories of the succesful devotees such as Yamuna Devi Dasi and Aindra Prabhu, who got the mercy of Krishna and can be seen that they have attained a stage well above us. I have read the diary of Satsvarupa Dasa (the writer of Srila Prabhupada Lilamrita) who despites all adversity and doubts in his mind about Krishna and also about his ability to serve, stayed on in ISKCON solely to honour Srila Prabhupada's last wishes. It calms me down that if we just stay and have faith we will reach there if not now next life, but if we leave despite the chance we are given, we lose.
These handful of inspiring people stories, tells me that even if I am unable to follow everything, I should stay on and serve to the extent of my willingness to do so, and one day Krishna will show me the way. Patience is key. If I can't walk at least I can crawl but I should keep moving and put in an effort to trust in Krishna, who have entrusted me as a part of His mission to spread the holy name.
Hare Krishna ;)
