note: This was writtern earlier than the post before this, just in case you are confused.
When I read or hear stories about the Vaishnava Acharyas and
about when Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu was on this Earth, I felt unfortunate to not
have been born there where he resides or visited. These things happen just
about 500 years ago not like 5000 years ago. Some of the places should still be
there in whatever poor condition it may be. In my head I wished to go and see,
out of curiosity and the need to prove whether these things are real or not.
Eventually, I accepted that if I don’t marry a Krishna Conscious person that I
might not even go to Mayapur. India maybe I will go someday, if not anything
else then for marriage shopping. Vrindavan is still a possibility as it’s not
far from Delhi, but Mayapur? People don’t even know where it is*. Who will I go
with? Forget it, I should first earn money first, that itself will take ages,
it is not cheap to go to India.
When I have started earning my own money, I think of going
to India, but how can I go? Who will be interested to come with me?. Everyone
keep on saying if you are going go all around India it will require at the minimum two weeks. And
who have that long of a leave? I am working. I heard of the statement that when
you are a kid you have time and energy but no money, when you are adult have
money and energy but no time, how true is that statement now. Eventually even
my drive to be in devotional life goes down, all my hope of meeting pure
devotees and life in Krishna consciousness just dissipates however hard I was
trying to hold on to it I just cant.
One fine day, at work, I got a message, to go to
Mayapur! With one person I know of and two other people that I kind of know but
I don’t mind, its Mayapur! Although I don’t want it from within my heart at
that time, I felt obliged to say yes to the offer. First because I promised
this person we will go travelling together one day, 2nd I was so
hopeless that I though going there might help me and…… Its only 4 days and its
only 3 million rupiah to and fro for the
ticket which is way less amount of money than I thought it would cost for me to
go India and that time I was having some
savings I can spend on the trip.
I will think twice in other situation but I was desperate
for something to wake me up in devotional service and I was going with people
who ill have fun with. And after a little convincing on their part I booked my
ticket right away and it ended up being 4 million. Which was ok till I realised
that I’ve booked the wrong date for the return ticket and then I have to adjust
it and pay another 1 million. Afterwards
only I started to think that I’ve actually paid a lot. It’s a lot to spend on a
flight if you will only be there for 4 days, which with all the journey
basically only a weekend in India. I
tried to calm myself that down by saying ‘Ok I will get to go again in the
future, at least I would have gone first once.’
The trip was early August and I fell down really badly in July. I was on my bed for 2 weeks and my
devotional life took a free fall too and I seriously don’t really feel like
going anymore. When it was actually the date to go, I was feeling better and I
am not planning on losing on the money I’ve spent. So despite going to various
temples asking for blessing from the different Demigods to go be able to go to
Mayapur, I was not really bothered when the flood conquered Mayapur and our
trip was either to be cancelled or changed. First, I figure I would just not
go. But after thinking of the ticket price, I tried to research if we could
just plan to go explore Kolkata instead. But then Krishna has other
arrangments. Even Kolkata was flooded in certain parts, and with all the plan,
the doubts and the stress I almost gave up. When Ithe rest of my friends told
me don’t pay as much since they are flying from KL instead of
Jakarta and it was up to me, I was confused. The feeling of being tricked, the
short amount of days and the amount of money that will be required to spend if
we actually go for Kolkata instead, and the uncertainty of the weather was
driving me crazy. So I said I am giving up. But my what about the money I have
spent?
Then I remembered about another group going to Mayapur as
well within the next few months. I thought should change my date and join them? I asked
if I could and they said I could. I felt bad for my friends I am leaving
behind, they didn’t go because of me, they could have gone to Kolkata but they
didn’t, because I decided to finally change my ticket. I feel bad about it till now and I wonder if
they hate me now. Ah well I pay more money than they, they really shouldn’t
mind. So after paying a lot more money after being convinced by the oldies
party that’s going, I got the ticket for November.
And since I paid so much I started praying to be able to go
there, not because I wanted to but because I paid a lot of money I better get
there now! And with not correct intention comes incorrect experiences.
When I actually went there I was deeply affected by Maya, I
was infatuated with a stupid guy who claimed to love me but doesn’t even love
me anymore by now ( if he ever did at
that time that is).I am really angry at myself for thinking of him the whole
time I was there, I should be thinking of Krishna. I was suffering so much
there showing how deep have I plunge in Mayas pool of sense desires. Krishna has arranged everything so nicely, now my trip is for 9 days, 2 days of the journey going and coming, and 7 days parikrama of Navadvip Dham. With a caring mataji who takes care of me like a mother and a prabhu who watches out for me like a father. I was even getting proposal to marry his son, which I sort of stupidly declined because I don't think even the son had interest in me anyway and of course I still have this other stupid guy in my mind.
I was mad, I was sad, I was lost! I was visting the places I
used to hear about long time back and wished to visit like a kid. I wish I
remembered the stories about these places and wish I could meditate on their
glories when I am there. But I was not having any reaction when I went there. I
just wanted to go home, every second in Mayapur wishing it would end and
counting down to home . Every second feeling like a retard , with the Krishna
loving people surrounding me. I see clearly how I lacked the devotion, how I am
there only because of Krishnas mercy and how I am wasting my time complaining
and wanting to go home and taken it for granted but nothing changed. I wasn’t
able to divert my mind.
When I got back everything was a mess. I need to get back to
devotion that’s my escape and that’s me, that’s how I define myself, devotee of
Krishna they used to say. But I am no more. When everything else went wrong I
go to Him. Now I don’t even go to Him even if I feel the need to because I kind
of stop believing He exist although He shows and proves it to me time and again
that he does.When I came back, my body literally felt lighter. Like a burden have been lifted, (so much so that I am getting this Idea that maybe some of my sins have been lifted due to influence of holy place and that has made me lighter). Hearing kirtan doesn't bore me as much anymore, going to temple is not so heavy for me to do anymore, its like I am re gaining my faith again slowly, I am willing to try again.. I reminiscent about the time I used to enjoy kirtan, and Mayapur kirtan is so powerful. At one point under the mango tree place where Lord Caitanya was said to have spent His time there, we held a kirtan and I got that feel. The mataji leading the kirtan was very deeply concentrating on the mantra, it was so beautiful. When iIhear kirtan now I feel like going back to that moment. I can now immerse myself in Kirtan again instead of dismissing it like how I was behaving earlier. This was all due to Lord Caitanya's mercy. And now my sister has started to become serious about KC as well, now I have a friend. Its Krishnas way of extending His helping hand! I need to stop feeling lost I need to be in control of myself I
need to wake up and pray everyday and go to work and come back and do exercise
and do more work personally. I need to be productive. I need to have a life
goal and a work goal and a spiritual goal. Goal goal goal I need a goal!
Whoever is reading this, do kindly pray for me. Please
forgive me if I have done any offense (obviously my state shows that I have
done many offenses). Please do comment below should you have any words of
advice. Thank You!
* I remember at the airport immigration when the officer was
asking to another officer about the place I wrote as my address, he as an Indian
who live in Calcutta just a few hours away, was asking where is Mayapur! We are
indeed very lucky people to have know this place due to Srila Prabhupada’s
mercy.
