Mayapur, Me and Krishna's Mercy!

note: This was writtern earlier than the post before this, just in case you are confused.

When I read or hear stories about the Vaishnava Acharyas and about when Sri Caitanya Mahaprabhu was on this Earth, I felt unfortunate to not have been born there where he resides or visited. These things happen just about 500 years ago not like 5000 years ago. Some of the places should still be there in whatever poor condition it may be. In my head I wished to go and see, out of curiosity and the need to prove whether these things are real or not. Eventually, I accepted that if I don’t marry a Krishna Conscious person that I might not even go to Mayapur. India maybe I will go someday, if not anything else then for marriage shopping. Vrindavan is still a possibility as it’s not far from Delhi, but Mayapur? People don’t even know where it is*. Who will I go with? Forget it, I should first earn money first, that itself will take ages, it is not cheap to go to India.

When I have started earning my own money, I think of going to India, but how can I go? Who will be interested to come with me?. Everyone keep on saying if you are going go all around India  it will require at the minimum two weeks. And who have that long of a leave? I am working. I heard of the statement that when you are a kid you have time and energy but no money, when you are adult have money and energy but no time, how true is that statement now. Eventually even my drive to be in devotional life goes down, all my hope of meeting pure devotees and life in Krishna consciousness just dissipates however hard I was trying to hold on to it I just cant. 

One fine day, at work,  I got a message, to go to Mayapur! With one person I know of and two other people that I kind of know but I don’t mind, its Mayapur! Although I don’t want it from within my heart at that time, I felt obliged to say yes to the offer. First because I promised this person we will go travelling together one day, 2^nd I was so hopeless that I though going there might help me and…… Its only 4 days and its only 3 million rupiah  to and fro for the ticket which is way less amount of money than I thought it would cost for me to go India and  that time I was having some savings I can spend on the trip.

I will think twice in other situation but I was desperate for something to wake me up in devotional service and I was going with people who ill have fun with. And after a little convincing on their part I booked my ticket right away and it ended up being 4 million. Which was ok till I realised that I’ve booked the wrong date for the return ticket and then I have to adjust it and pay another 1 million.  Afterwards only I started to think that I’ve actually paid a lot. It’s a lot to spend on a flight if you will only be there for 4 days, which with all the journey basically only a  weekend in India. I tried to calm myself that down by saying ‘Ok I will get to go again in the future, at least I would have gone first once.’

The trip was early August and  I fell down really badly  in July. I was on my bed for 2 weeks and my devotional life took a free fall too and I seriously don’t really feel like going anymore. When it was actually the date to go, I was feeling better and I am not planning on losing on the money I’ve spent. So despite going to various temples asking for blessing from the different Demigods to go be able to go to Mayapur, I was not really bothered when the flood conquered Mayapur and our trip was either to be cancelled or changed. First, I figure I would just not go. But after thinking of the ticket price, I tried to research if we could just plan to go explore Kolkata instead. But then Krishna has other arrangments. Even Kolkata was flooded in certain parts, and with all the plan, the doubts and the stress I almost gave up. When Ithe rest of my friends told me  don’t pay as much  since they are flying from KL instead of Jakarta and it was up to me, I was confused. The feeling of being tricked, the short amount of days and the amount of money that will be required to spend if we actually go for Kolkata instead, and the uncertainty of the weather was driving me crazy. So I said I am giving up. But my what about the money I have spent?

Then I remembered about another group going to Mayapur as well within the next few months. I thought  should change my date and join them? I asked if I could and they said I could. I felt bad for my friends I am leaving behind, they didn’t go because of me, they could have gone to Kolkata but they didn’t, because I decided to finally change my ticket.  I feel bad about it till now and I wonder if they hate me now. Ah well I pay more money than they, they really shouldn’t mind. So after paying a lot more money after being convinced by the oldies party that’s going, I got the ticket for November.

And since I paid so much I started praying to be able to go there, not because I wanted to but because I paid a lot of money I better get there now! And with not correct intention comes incorrect experiences.

When I actually went there I was deeply affected by Maya, I was infatuated with a stupid guy who claimed to love me but doesn’t even love me anymore by  now ( if he ever did at that time that is).I am really angry at myself for thinking of him the whole time I was there, I should be thinking of Krishna. I was suffering so much there showing how deep have I plunge in Mayas pool of sense desires. Krishna has arranged everything so nicely, now my trip is for 9 days, 2 days of the journey going and coming, and 7 days parikrama of Navadvip Dham. With a caring mataji who takes care of me like a mother and a prabhu who watches out for me like a father. I was even getting proposal to marry his son, which I sort of stupidly declined because I don't think even the son had interest in me anyway and of course I still have this other stupid guy in my mind.

I was mad, I was sad, I was lost! I was visting the places I used to hear about long time back and wished to visit like a kid. I wish I remembered the stories about these places and wish I could meditate on their glories when I am there. But I was not having any reaction when I went there. I just wanted to go home, every second in Mayapur wishing it would end and counting down to home . Every second feeling like a retard , with the Krishna loving people surrounding me. I see clearly how I lacked the devotion, how I am there only because of Krishnas mercy and how I am wasting my time complaining and wanting to go home and taken it for granted but nothing changed. I wasn’t able to divert my mind.

When I got back everything was a mess. I need to get back to devotion that’s my escape and that’s me, that’s how I define myself, devotee of Krishna they used to say. But I am no more. When everything else went wrong I go to Him. Now I don’t even go to Him even if I feel the need to because I kind of stop believing He exist although He shows and proves it to me time and again that he does.When I came back, my body literally felt lighter. Like a burden have been lifted, (so much so that I am getting this Idea that maybe some of my sins have been lifted due to influence of holy place and that has made me lighter). Hearing kirtan doesn't bore me as much anymore, going to temple is not so heavy for me to do anymore, its like I am re gaining my faith again slowly, I am willing to try again.. I reminiscent about the time I used to enjoy kirtan, and Mayapur kirtan is so powerful. At one point under the mango tree place where Lord Caitanya was said to have spent His time there, we held a kirtan and I got that feel. The mataji leading the kirtan was very deeply concentrating on the mantra, it was so beautiful. When iIhear kirtan now I feel like going back to that moment. I can now immerse myself in Kirtan again instead of dismissing it like how I was behaving earlier. This was all due to Lord Caitanya's mercy. And now my sister has started to become serious about KC as well, now I have a friend. Its Krishnas way of extending His helping hand!  I need to stop feeling lost I need to be in control of myself I need to wake up and pray everyday and go to work and come back and do exercise and do more work personally. I need to be productive. I need to have a life goal and a work goal and a spiritual goal. Goal goal goal I need a goal!

Whoever is reading this, do kindly pray for me. Please forgive me if I have done any offense (obviously my state shows that I have done many offenses). Please do comment below should you have any words of advice. Thank You!

* I remember at the airport immigration when the officer was asking to another officer about the place I wrote as my address, he as an Indian who live in Calcutta just a few hours away, was asking where is Mayapur! We are indeed very lucky people to have know this place due to Srila Prabhupada’s mercy.