Mayapur: feelings and realisation.

I remember the first time I came down of the car, n touched the dust of Mayapur ground. I remember the face of Sacimata Mataji happy to see me. I remembered the crowd of devotees  singing Samsara Davala. I remember how I try not to look at the deities till I get to look at Srila Prabhupada deity. I remember feeling the overwhelming sensation and thanking Him for giving me mercy to go there. I remember feeling overwhelmed when looking at Radha Madhava, not thinking for once I will eventually be able to go to India let alone Mayapur. And seeing Radha Madhava and the Astha Sakhis. And they were so beautiful I cried when I see them. I cant belive my own eyes, I cant believe Krishna has given such a fallen person like me the chance to be here in this holy place looking at the deity that is so real that I really can feel Him being present there. Feeling His presence after so long! I was so happy.

 Then I was awaken from my thought and led to see the Panca Tattva deity by Sachimata Mataji.  The seem so poised, so calm and yet so merciful . The look like they own the place, which they indeed do! Eventually, when I got back to my senses for a bit,  I realized that this is Manggala Aarti, aren’t they suppose to be wearing pajamas? Was that really pajamas? Well apparently the service here are so grand even the pajamas are  look grand and beautiful. However, I didn’t get to see  the Narasimha deity properly, only through the tv. I was a bit stubborn on going on the other side, but seeing the crowd I realized I wouldn’t even get a proper darshan and I wanted my first darshan to be proper. Then it came the time for the Tulasi Aarti. The mataji performing it sees it as a very serious business, I have never seen Tulasi worship that serious and with so much care. Afterwards, before even finishing the whole thing, we had to run to our meeting point for the parikrama.

Every morning, every deity darshan was a rush. I wish I could just sit there forever, I wish it was less crowded, I just want Krishna to myself. I want to have that personal talk. Since I cant feel him anymore and that’s the only place after so long I can feel his presence, I missed Him and I wanted to be able to talk to Him but I was so overwhelmed whenever I see the grandness of the deity, my thoughts was not organized. I was also still too influenced by maya I was more concerned that I haven’t bought anything for my dad as a souvenir rather than concentrating on the lecture. Yet He is still giving mercy, so I tried to be enthusiastic. But I ran out of energy faking it during the parikrama despite all my efforts in trying to revive my excitement for visiting the holy places. I just missed home , and I never missed home but when in Mayapur I did. Was it the back pain, the daily laundry washing or the stupid guy who was distracting my mind, I just missed comfortable life. I missed not feeling guilty. But I was glad how chanting would flow , though distraction was many.

I am in stage of life where material goals are important, I kind of lose taste for devotion, lost my connection to Krishna. I realized that I am not going anywhere materially or spiritually right now. I am so lost. I need to revive, I need to have the desire to live at material or the strong desire to succeed spiritually. Arrgh!!